Miss Piggy, Madame and Amazon.com CEO, Jeff Bezos

I was recently tapped to be next month's Employee Profile focus in frontpage, the Chicago Tribune Employee Newsletter. They asked me nearly 30 questions and told me to "have fun with it" since the guy before me was a little too serious with his answers and they want people to actually read this thing. I will publish my entire questionnaire here for your enjoyment. The answers are lengthy, but I was told they would pick the ones they like best, so I don't want the "lesser" answers to get lost in the abyss, hence the posterity here.

1. What is your greatest accomplishment?
Last summer I finally did one of those really loud, shrill whistles- you know, the one where you use your fingers. I’d always wanted to learn and one day I buckled down and got one good one out before light-headedness kicked in and I collapsed.

2. What was your most humbling moment?
Being forced to attend an Edwin McCain concert.

3. What is the best piece of advice you’ve ever received?
Don’t throw a brick straight up. I believe that was Pliny the Younger.

4. What is your favorite childhood memory?
A bloody battle royal with my brother over a beanbag chair. That row earned me 5 stitches in the back of the head and a hilarious story to tell for the rest of my life.

5. What profession, other than your own, would you like to try?
Impossible to narrow this down, so here’re a few off the top of my head: dauntless ghost hunter, affable talk show host, saucy chanteuse, petulant heiress, gypsy… Gypsy’s a good, vague title.

6. Which Tribune employee would you like to switch places with for a day?
Whoever makes the most cash. I’ll check the annual report and get back to you on that one.

7. Do you have a hidden talent coworkers would be surprised to learn?
I hide none of my talents.

8. What’s your favorite way to spend a day off?
Sleeping till noon, going out for lunch and then heading back home for a nap.

9. What’s your favorite Chicago landmark?
Schubas. First bar I ever went to in Chicago. People thought I was Tori Amos and kept sending me drinks. What can I say, it was dark and I didn’t correct them.

10. Where else in the world would you like to live?
Kokomo. The Beach Boys tell me it’s nice.

11. What are three things you can’t live without?
Air, water and food.

12. What is your biggest pet peeve?
People who spit on the sidewalk. I wanna throw those people over the turnbuckle so bad!

13. Who are your personal heroes?

Miss Piggy, Madame and Amazon.com CEO, Jeff Bezos.

14. What’s your most treasured possession?
"An object in possession seldom retains the same charm that it had in pursuit." Pliny the Younger again.

15. What super power would you like to have?
The power to instantly zap myself anywhere in the world. That way I could be anywhere I wanted with anyone I wanted anytime I wanted. Plus, I wouldn’t have to give the CTA any more of my money to fund their craptastic service.

16. On which reality show would you be most likely to appear?
Falcon Crest.

17. What’s your favorite word?
Fraggle

18. What’s your least favorite word?
Gorg

19. What’s your favorite sound?
Meatwad’s voice.

20. What’s your least favorite sound?
Rush’s “music”.

21. What book are you currently reading?
The Pokey Little Puppy.

22. What CD are you currently listing to?
No CD’s. I shuffle cause life is random.

23. Top 5 all-time favorite songs?
Impossible question. I’ll go with the top 5 for me TODAY: Nights in White Satin by The Moody Blues, Jesus Etc. by Wilco, Easy Hearts by Whiskeytown, Don’t Worry Baby by the Beach Boys and Wild Child by W.A.S.P.

24. Guilty pleasure?
Guilt? What's that?

25. What’s your dream vacation?
Narnia, as I love conversing with all manner of talking beasts.

26. Favorite place you’ve traveled to?
Monaco. Kinda like Narnia but warmer.

27. What TV show do you hate to miss?
Cop Rock.

Actually, I skipped the guilty pleasure question since I found it irrelevant. I am ashamed of none of my pasttimes and passions. I was taken aback by the hidden talents question as well. Who hides things they can do well? Ludicrous.

So, I got to thinking about the fact that 2 of my heroes are puppets. Female puppets, of course. When I was a sprightly youth, in my days at Cary's Youngest Set, I had all manner of Miss Piggy paraphernalia. Beach towels, tote bags, t-shirts, autographed posters- you name it. She was the sassiest thing going and I aimed to be every bit as fabulous and bossy as her one day. A few years went by and Solid Gold became a television phenomenon. The only thing I ever remember saying I wanted to be when I grew up was a Solid Gold dancer. Dear Lord, please. I was already doing Top-40 interpretive dance at that tender age, all I had to do was hit 18 and for sure they'd hire me. All those gold headbands I'd get to wear... Legwarmers galore. Hanging out with Marilyn McCoo and Madame. Oh, Madame. She was one step above Miss Piggy in her feistiness and had much more a salacious side. My identity crystallized. My proclivity for flashy clothing and a bad attitude was validated.

I'd like to take a moment to thank Miss Piggy and Madame for making me feel so at home in my own skin. I'm leaning more Madame these days, as she is far more the woman who gets what she wants without all the whining to a man. Plus, I am getting older and Madame's right there waiting. Shouldn't we all be so lucky to achieve and retain such temerity, such candor and retain it through the "golden" years?

http://www.calamusbooks.com/newsletters/v2_35/Madame200.jpg

Here's to you, sassy ladies.