Dear Court TV, Please Add This to Your Programming.

The Illinois House just overwhelmingly passed a vote which would allow prostitutes to sue their pimps for emotional anguish and other charges. The reasoning behind this is to empower women who feel trapped in desperate situations to try to get help in getting out of them. I know this is a serious initiative and I am, of course, in support of empowering women who want to help themselves, but I can just see these court proceedings now and pray to God that the programming director at Court TV hounds the Illinois courts to let them follow the proceedings for "educational purposes".

If this bill is passed, the prostitutes would have to prove that their pimp profited from the sex trade, which I am thinking shouldn't be too hard when the pimp arrives at the courthouse with a full entourage, swathed in pimp regalia. Bonus points for the pimp with the nerve to enter on a palanquin, carried by his 4 best ho's. Even more bonus points if even his ho's walk on orchid petals strewn by young Burmese boys in linen loincloths. Of course, the pimp who is that high-prose would never strike a ho... He'd have a lackey for that, so as not to sully his perfectly-manicured hands.

There are representatives who are worried that passing this bill would "legalize" prostitution. I think there's a way around that, that maybe the House is missing. Once the prostitute is awarded the settlement, she is slapped with charges of prostitution and convicted on the spot since the crux of her pimp case was her being a sex worker.

A vicious cycle, yes, but this would lead to more enthralling TV. Make the girls serve like one day in prison. The prison could do a one-day makeover, which could be covered by Lifetime (Television for Women). When they turn these hookers aloose to the outside world, they'll look too corporate to hook. There's the rehab angle.

Next we find ourselves at Fox' front door, where they take over with some sort of sordid and explicit reality program about a hooker trying to start a new life, who will invariably keep relapsing into prostitution, just for the sake of ratings.

See how this new bill could benefit us all, and I am thinking Trojans-Enz could sponsor the whole thing from start to finish.