I "Missed" the Grammys this Year

I say "missed" because I don't think I really missed anything. I feel when it comes time for award shows like these- Oscars, Golden Globes, etc.- people really miss the point. Not in the way of fashion, soirees and scuttlebutt in general, they're right on in those aspects, but in the way of what awards are actually given and to whom they are given.

The outset of my philippic as far as the Grammys are concerned:

Record of the Year
Song of the Year
Album of the Year

Now, those 3 are dangerously similar since a record is an album, yet record is for a single and so is song. Here's my understanding of it. Record of the year (think of the verb 'to record') is given to the artists who performed this beloved tune, could be that they wrote it- or not. Song of the year is for the people who actually penned the beloved tune. And album of the year is for a collective of songs recorded as an album. One could argue that any award for a song should go to the one who wrote said song, but then where would the Britneys of the world be? Still rich, don't you worry. On the flip side, I can think of plenty of songwriters who either don't have the chops or the balls to perform these opuses. They are plenty happy to write them for someone else. They shouldn't be left in the cold simply because they are limelight-loath.

I digress.

Now, we have several music awards to pick apart. There's Billboard, which is based on sales and sales alone, which is easy enough and hard to dispute. It is what it is- boring and oligarchic as far as artists go. Then there's the AMA's, which seem barely an echelon higher. Akin to going from the People's Choice (the "people" have spoken and they are all idiots) to the Golden Globes (a little less ridiculous and a harbinger for the Oscars, but still not the top of the tops). With the AMA's, everything is named "favorite" this and that. Here's an example of how silly-random these groupings can be, pulled from this year's awards:

Favorite Male Artist — Pop or Rock
Josh Groban
Lenny Kravitz
Michael McDonald
Winner: Usher

Now, who the fuck would ever put Lenny Kravitz in the same room with Michael McDonald? And who invited Josh Groban, the do-gooding nance? The categories are far too broad, which results in queer groupings of nominees. AMA's are generally to be avoided as well.

Back to the Grammys. Grammys have so many categories they'd spend days trying to air all the envelope ripping. For example, from this year:

Recording Package: A Ghost Is Born, Peter Buchanan-Smith and Dan Nadel, art directors (Wilco).

No fucking clue what they are talking about, but it sounds like art direction for the packaging, which has nothing to do with the actual art of music. It's art, yes, but not music. With this many categories and every possible channel getting a 'traditional' and 'contemporary' shelter, you'd think they'd be able to cover so much territory, but they fail to do so year over year. Yes, there is a lot of music in the world, but if you're going to call out a million categories, then we should be hearing about more winners than Alicia Keys and Usher.

So, my remedy is this... I am going to found my own music awards ceremony. It will be dedicated to all the oft-ignored talent and genres out there. It will focus primarily on metal and indier-than-indie bands who may never get a Grammy. There will be categories for all sorts of related bits, each with a corporate sponsor- most fake blood used in a show (care), most real blood used in a show (LifeSource), skinniest bass player (TrimSpa), worst teeth (Oral B Brush Ups), most band members living in one apartment together (Apartments.com), biggest overdose (Cedars-Sinai), worst acne (Hershey's), you get the idea. These people are far too interesting for Grammys anyway.

While we're on the topic of people being too good for Grammys, I will say that I am fucking tired of posthumous reaping of awards by any sort of organization, and the Grammys are nefarious for this. For example, Jeff Buckley was quickly nominated for a Grammy the year he died. He, of course, lost- to Lenny Kravitz by the way- but I think he would've scoffed at the notion to begin with.

I digress again.

Back to my vision of a music awards ceremony- perhaps I shall found 2. One focused on metal and indie and another Razzie sort of installment aimed at all the terrible, bullshitty music released every year. Josh Groban, the do-gooding nance will most certainly be invited. He can bring along Clay Aiken as his date. I find it hard to believe that no one has thought of this, or if they have that I have not heard of it. It's brilliant. Who do I have to talk to to get rolling on this?

Speaking of the Razzies, Ben Stiller got reamed this year. Hilarious:

Worst Actor:

Ben Affleck- Jersey Girl and Surviving Christmas
George W. Bush- Fahrenheit 9/11
Vin Diesel- Chronicles of Riddick
Colin Farrell- Alexander
Ben Stiller- Along Came Polly, Anchorman, Dodgeball, Envy and Starsky & Hutch

He was only in Anchorman for about 5 minutes. They must really hate him and the way he plays the same character in every movie that he does. Or is that me that hates him for that?

I digress yet again, and for the last time (this post).

More details to come on my new music awards ceremonies, but you can expect the following performances at each, not necessarily in this order:

Metal/Indie:

WASP
Spoon
Judas Priest
Decemberists
Motorhead
I Love You But I've Chosen Darkness

There will be a tribute to Dimebag Darrell capping the show. All performers will jam such Dimebag favorites as "Use My Third Arm", "Message in Blood" and "Fucking Hostile".

Razzies:

Josh Groban
Clay Aiken (and any American Idol alum for that matter)
Good Charlotte/Simple Plan/Sum 41 (all those fuckers sound alike to me- bad)

Now that I am rattling these off, I am thinking it would be far better if we just asked these people to join us on stage and then we lopped off random appendages of theirs until they promise to stop releasing CDs.

There will be 2 lifetime achievement awards given this year (and every year till they stop recording their shitty music) to Creed and Rush.

Now that I have these fantasmo alternatives to the Grammys laid out in front of me, I feel even less like I missed anything this year. In fact, mayhaps I will outright boycott next year. Picket, even. I'll wave signs like "Alicia Pees" and "Usher Who?" and "Ban Groban, Man" and set up a little anti-event in the parking lot. Kegs of beer and axes ablaze. We can keep the fashion frenzy intact and cause a little scandal of our own. Now, that's what it's all really about.